26 May 2010

Deranged Gunman Opens Fire on Shooting Range

Deranged Gunman Opens Fire On Shooting Range

SAN ANTONIO—A man described by eyewitnesses as "unsettled" and "disturbed" walked into the local Guns Galore Shooting Range early Tuesday morning, paid for a half hour's worth of time, and then calmly opened fire on dozens of unsuspecting targets.

Sources said the man, now identified as Bryon James Woodrich, entered the establishment at approximately 8:30 a.m. armed with a pistol. After a brief exchange with the gun range manager, Woodrich purchased a box of ammunition, showed two pieces of ID, signed in, walked to stall No. 17, and at once began his crazed shooting spree.

"He just kept firing, over and over again—bam, bam, bam, bam, bam," said manager Clyde Jenkins, recalling the chilling scene. "From the moment he stepped into Guns Galore, it was clear that this man only had one thing on his mind."

Witnesses said Woodrich displayed no emotion whatsoever during the 29-minute barrage. Many watched in silence as the gunman unloaded 12 shots at extremely close range into the chest and head of a defenseless target, pausing only to reload. One witness said that the shooter actually exited the gun range with a "look of relief" on his face.

"I should have seen this coming," said San Antonio resident, Carlotta Vasquez, who has known Woodrich for over 10 years. "He's been having a tough time since [ex-wife] Sheila left him, and they recently cut his hours at the plant. And he was always talking about needing to blow off some steam, but I never would have thought that this is what he meant. Had I known, I would have tried to be there for him, to say something."

"It didn't have to come to this," Vasquez continued. "We could have gone fishing or bowling or whatnot."

A handwritten note on the gunman's refrigerator warned the shooting spree would occur "after he picked up groceries."

Close friends of Woodrich, who is believed to own at least two other handguns and an unknown number of rifles, said he displayed many warning signs in the months leading up to the shooting. A loner, Woodrich was known to be quiet and withdrawn, channeling all his energies into his work and violent hobbies, like hunting.

"I once saw Bryon shoot a beautiful six-point buck like it was nothing," friend Kenneth Schlissel said. "In the end, I guess I'm not surprised he ended up at the gun range."

According to his ex-wife Sheila Mann, Woodrich was "obsessed" with firearm and hunting magazines, which he would frequently read alone in his basement "for hours and hours on end."

"He and his friends were always talking about guns and the shooting range and how they couldn't wait for the weekend to come," Mann said. "They'd argue about who was the best shot and what guns they were going to buy and whose gun was the biggest."

"It scared me," she added.

After exhausting his final two clips, Woodrich reportedly fled the premises still carrying the loaded weapon. He was then seen entering a bank, a gas station, and a fried chicken restaurant before returning home and voluntarily disarming himself.

Thus far, no charges have been brought against the deranged shooter, nor has the gun range taken any extra precautions to prevent a similar incident in the future.

In fact, some residents, like Guns Galore assistant manager Ken Marshall, said they only have themselves to blame.

"Looking back, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened," Marshall said. "Bryon pretty much comes in here every Tuesday."

Story from the Onion.
_______________________

My only question is this: in light of recent news stories such as
this, how long will it be before this isn't satire?

Give the Onion credit for the perfect mainstream media "rampage" story template.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Is this deranged man related to you?

Edward said...

"walked to stall No. 17" "unloaded 12 shots at extremely close range into the chest and head of a defenseless target"; like a paper one. "A handwritten note on the gunman's refrigerator"; like honey, I'm going to the range after I pick up groceries. "violent hobbies, like hunting"; can't even comment on that one. "shoot a beautiful six-point buck like it was nothing"; I must admint, I was at first worried about this one because I have a ten-pointer hanging on the wall. "no charges have been brought against the deranged shooter"; maybe because this is BOGUS!!! Where'd you find this? CNN, ABC, New York Times. I guess it must be April 1st somewhere else.

Colleen Hammond said...

As a gun owner and avid 2nd Amendment fan, I read the story with disbelief! I can't imagine an entire gun range standing around watching a guy put 12 bullets into anyone! All the gun owners I know would have tackled him quickly...or put a slug or two in the shooter's chest themselves. Well, LEAVE IT TO THE ONION!!! ROTF LOL!!! Good one!

I can't get the Boston/Armageddon article to open so I can't read it...

thetimman said...

Colleen, if Texas ever secedes I hope you'll send driving directions to your house, and that you will feign excitement at the prospect of a family of nine coming to live with you.

Colleen Hammond said...

Our TX Gov has already talked about secession. Of course, he's up for re-election and would say just about anything... But he DOES carry a .380 Ruger with him when he goes jogging, and recently shot a coyote while out on a run. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/27/AR2010042705323.html

Family of 9, eh? Well, we have acreage. Bring a tent!!! ;-)

Seriously, though...I'm passing (driving) through St. Louis in June on a book tour. Maybe we'll actually be able to meet face-to-face this time!!! :-) :-) :-)

thetimman said...

Great, send me an email.

thetimman said...

Great, send me an email.

Anonymous said...

Love it. Tinman wants to secede. And he claims it's President Obama and liberals who don't love the United States. (Likely you will not run this comment; you're too shy when it comes to criticism that points out your hypocrisy.)

Steve

thetimman said...

Steve, as I've said before, I'm powerless in the face of reverse psychology. You win again!