12 January 2011

Inside the Mind behind the Movement behind the PR Firm behind the Throne

Carp no more, dear readers, about the dearth of inside information from the St. Stan's trial. You may have wished that I live-blogged the trial. Ha! Child's play. I've gone one better. I have cleverly utilized one of my half-Polish relatives, 3 lbs of potting soil, and several evergreen branches to place and disguise a "bug" inside the conference room where the St. Stan's gang and their lawyers are conducting their trial preparation. And though I would have liked to have waited until after the trial concluded to give this report, one of the office staff has begun to water the listening device, so I'm not sure how much longer it will work.

What you are about to read is my own transcription of excerpts from a sometimes-garbled transmission:

Mr. B: (raising his voice) But this is being ridiculous! I am star of show. Why have I not had my testimonial yet now?

Unidentified Lawyer 1: Please, Father...

Mr. B: That's "Your Excellency!"

UL1: Please, your excellency, today is simply for opening arguments from both sides; these have to be delivered by the attorneys.

Mr. B: Well, fine... but where are TV reporters to hear my fanciful tale!?

An unnamed Board member: They ain't all they're cracked up to be, trust me.

Mr. B: Excuse me, but your antics almost blew lid off this whole plan. You better be glad reporters here no better than Polish Pravda of old regime. A real one gets hold of you-- and you'll have bigger problems from me.

Board Member: ( five minute Polish shouting tirade)

Secretary
(interrupting): Someone named ChiefJoeMokwa(tm) is on line 2, asking for you.

Board Member
: Take a message.

Secretary
: But he says it's urgent.

Board Member
: Take a message!

[...]

Day 2

Mr. B: Still no testificationing me! Why this Carlson talk so long? Why I pay you?, er, I mean, why Board pay you? I need to upgrade to 7-series now, and gas not getting cheaper!

UL1: They sued us, remember? They get to put their case on first.

Mr. B: No good. By the time I testifying no one will care watch. Call press conference.

UL2: I strongly advise against this while the trial is ongoing.

Mr. B: I must speak to captive brethren of St. Louis. Open Communion! Married Priests! Table plenty of!

Secretary (interrupting): Excuse me, gentlemen, there is a Bishop Milingo on the line for Mr.-- I mean Bishop-- B.

Mr. B: Take message.

Secretary: He says it's urgent.

Mr. B: Take message!!

Board Member: Back to the issue at hand, Abp. Carlson made you look kind of silly today.

UL1: However so?

Board Member: When you asked, "I'm a pastor first, is that correct?" and he replied, "I have no idea what you are." Almost passed out I laughed so hard.

UL1: (dignity wounded) I was just repeating his testimony. Nobody else will find that amusing, believe me. I drive a bigger BMW than your pastor.

Mr. B: See, this not fair! You will trade with me....

[skipping forward a bit]

UL1: So we are all agreed, right. No talk about where the money went. Right? Right? Your Excellency?

(sound of phone hanging up)

Mr. B: What? Sorry, I not hear. Just scored sweet lease on latest Benz. What time is press conference?

Board member
: Maybe Burke wasn't so bad after all...
(stream of Polish mutterings begin here)

Mr. B
: No, wait! I have prepared text for winning of case. Get this: "Rejoice St. Louis. Beware, rest of world!"

[At this point, there was a sound of scuffling, but someone started watering the listening device and I couldn't figure out what was happening. By the time a connection was reestablished, the room was empty. But, if the bug still works and is undiscovered, I may be able to post more in the future. Until then...]

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Man, this was good! Still chuckling...

Anonymous said...

Wait, Bozek is Yoda?

Understand I do not.

StGuyFawkes said...

Tim,

I bribed a cleaning lady to put in a second mike. Here's how the conference ended.


UL1: (Cell phone rings) Hold it let me take this call. Yeah….yeah…..(holds up one finger) quiet everybody it's London.....Yes...That's your best offer? It's not enough pal...okay, I'll bring it to my client.

UL2: What's their offer?

UL1: It's not even from the Archdiocese.

UL2: Wha.....?

UL1: Sasha Baron Cohen. He's been following the trial. He want's to give Marek a million for the movie rights to "Boguslaw: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Church of Pastoral Marginalized."

Mr. B. I take it.

UL1: Guys this is the only way we're gonna get paid. Let's draw up the agreement with Cohen today.

Anonymous said...

You are really sad. Not an iota of a Christian consideration. Sad.