08 February 2011

Products You Can Use: SLC Branches Out

The other day, when a friend suggested that I get into the greeting card business, I mentioned that a few years ago on my blog (before I had the seven readers I have now) I launched "Tradmark", the greeting card company for traditionally-minded Catholics. It turned out that the name "Tradmark" was taken, so I just peddle wares under the SLC brand now.

A couple of examples:

(outside of card, first, then the interior text)

"To my Goddaughter--On Your Ninth First Friday"

Congrats on your golden ticket,
Heaven awaits you at last,
While your friends were watching T.V.,
You spent your time at Mass.

"Best Wishes for a Speedy Recovery"

Though your sterilization reversal was painful,
May you gain strength in the knowledge that you did the right thing.

Well, my friend's suggestion, combined with the success of amazon in providing and shipping every kind of thing, caused me to decide to branch out and provide some gifts to go with the cards. Keep these sample products in mind for your next gift-giving occasion:

Item 109--

Jonas Bros. Patented Three Days of Darkness Kit

Don't get stuck three days and nights in "the belly of the whale" without this all-in-one kit!*

Contents: Two (2) Beeswax candles; ten (10) Rosaries; four (4) 4' x 8' sheets of 1/4 in. plywood; one (1)holy water bottle; one (1) chemical, self-sanitizing thunderbox; ten (10) pairs of hear-no-evil earplugs; five (5) ultra-thin "space" blankets; one (1) short wave radio; one (1) short synopsis of relevant Marian apparitions with basic Catholic prayers.

*Blessings not included.

Item 271--

Off-the Chartres Pilgrimage Companion

Tired of setting off on your long journey, only to realize you forgot some necessary gear? Well, those days are over. This kit has everything you need for one low price.

Contents: Waterproof journal; Jerry Seinfeld del Boca Vista model astronaut pen (guaranteed to write upside-down!); easy snap-on/off wrinkleproof/waterproof suit-and-tie for outdoor Mass (can substitute this item for all-covering, waterproof/shapeless dress); large felt-free do-it-yourself banner with staff; handbook of basic Catholic prayers (Latin); three (3) French government wine ration coupons*+; one (1) set of knee pads (one for each knee!); ten(10) yards of moleskin.

*Santiago variant adds rabid dog-defeating stun gun.
+Auriesville version includes 9mm pistol for personal defense.

Item 341--

St. Jude Electronic Random Saint-Name Generator (Trad-Cath Edition)

Naming a child after a Catholic saint doesn't sound hard, but what do you do when you have so many children you run out of ideas? Worry no more. With St. Jude's Electronic Random Saint-Name Generator, naming a baby is no longer a lost cause! Simply set device to male or female, press a button, and read aloud the name of a really great saint--complete with hagiography and "patron of" list. This new and improved Trad-Cath Edition eliminates modern-sounding names like Brittany, Haley, and John Paul, and gives emphasis to names of saints listed in the Roman Canon and those who died particularly gruesome deaths at the hands of protestants.


Item 777--

Holy Nativity Brand "Stable Group" Traditional Mass Request Forms Packet

Having trouble navigating through your local bureaucracy in your quest to have the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite of Mass in your parish? This product is made for you. Though Summorum Pontificum seems clear enough to most people, it can befuddle those with theological degrees or liturgical training. Therefore we provide you with every possible type of form to finally claim your right as a Catholic.

Contents include: Letter asking for Extraordinary Form Mass (pastor version); Second Letter asking for Extraordinary Form Mass assuring that "Yes, I am serious" (pastor version); Third Letter asking for Extraordinary Form Mass with dictionary definitions of "stable" and "group"; Letter of Appeal from Pastor denial (chancery version); Second Letter of Appeal assuring that "Yes, I am serious" (chancery version); Third Letter of Appeal from Pastor denial with dictionary definitions of "stable" and "group"; Letter of Appeal to Pontifical Commission Ecclesia Dei (postage not included); Letter of inquiry for status of Appeal to Pontifical Commission Ecclesia Dei (three-, six-, nine-, and twelve- month versions); one copy of Summorum Pontificum in Latin and English, with accompanying letter to bishops; and finally one (1) emergency-only copy of Quo Primum, with English translation.


More items to come, so check back often!


Prekast said...

I think it is fair to say you have too much time on your hands.

timbro3000 said...

I laughed aloud. Well-played, Tom.

doughboy said...


Fenian said...

That's awesome. I don't know what else to say.

Michael Bavlsik said...

John Paul? Really? Nobody did more for you über-trads than JPII. He stacked the seminaries and even the College of Cardinals with your ilk.

thetimman said...

Cool. I have an ilk!

Delena said...

"...and those who died particularly gruesome deaths at the hands of protestants."

Still laughing.

Kate said...

Awesome! Item 341 would make the best baby shower gift. A subtle "the names you are considering for your child border on the insane. Try this."
Fortunately I am not in need of item 777, but that would come in handy in far too many places.

Anonymous said...

Nice,cleverly said.

formal letter

karen said...

Oh please send me Item 777; I have already been told no, that if they started a regular Latin Mass and the assistant pastor was transferred, then what would they do? I don't know, maybe stop it? until another assistant pastor could be found who can say the Latin Mass? How much of a problem is this really? And is that really a good reason for just out-and-out NO?