Did your Lenten penances get lost in the desert? On April 1st, here are one bad Catholic’s ideas for making Holy Week suitably grim.
By John Zmirak
10. Schadenfreude: That warm, grim feeling of satisfaction you get from watching planes crash, stocks plummet and presidential candidates debate. Best to dampen this enthusiasm in preparation for a Holy Easter.
9. Foxhunting: Bloodsports are generally discouraged in the 40 days before Our Lord shed His.
8. Discussing the “spiritual problems” of a friend with everyone you know, “so they’ll remember to pray for him.”
7. Writing single-spaced letters of complaint to: a) The local bishop, b) The Vatican, or c) The Catholic League for Civil and Religious Rights.
6. Forwarding emails of the following types:
4. Visiting churches with appalling liturgies, just to count the abuses (see Schadenfreude, above).
3. Lingerie shopping and gun shows.
2. Lurid daydreams—romantic or violent—about your boss.
1. Conspiracy Theories (except those involving the Masons—these are always acceptable for Catholics).