01 April 2013

Yet Another New English Missal Translation Proposed

I have resolved to stay ahead of the curve when it comes to the liturgy.

Sure, I bandwagoned a bit during the reemergence of the Traditional Latin Mass in the Pope Benedict/Archbishop Burke era here in St. Louis, but those days are long gone.

Now I want to just get on with the spirit of the liturgy in these days of simplicity, and make my contribution to my English speaking Catholic sisters and brothers. Of course, a cynic might point out that one common liturgical language for every country would be simpler, but I am assured that's somehow not true.

Hence, here is a sneak peak at some excerpts from the new, new (new) English language dynamic translation of the venerable Novus Ordo Missae that I am sending to the Congregation for Divine Worship. Once the Prefect reviews it, he will send it to the necessary 73 committees of the Bishops' Conferences for the English speaking peoples. Once consensus is reached, the people of God will have this foisted on them for their own good whether they like it or not petition the Bishop of Rome to ratify their decision. This time I just know we've gotten it right!


Introductory Rite

Presider (P): Hi.
Faith Community (FC): How's it goin'?

Optional Penitential Rite

P: We got any racists or homophobes in here?
FC: You know it.
P: Knock it off.
FC: Our bad.

Readings, Responsorial Psalm and Gospel

(In order to finally plumb the depths of scripture and other, more relevant spiritual texts, there will be a 76 year cycle of readings, to match the average life span of a non-aborted American woman, labeled Years A through XXX. Instead of the Psalms, a different passage of the Harry Potter series will be read, in full costume. All other readings will be gender neutral, horizontally, vertically, and even diagonally.)


(This must be given at every Mass, weekday or Sunday, and must be at least 30 minutes long. It is to be given by a different parishioner each day, on a rotating basis.)


(Presider may select among Apostles' Creed, Elton John's Can You Feel the Love Tonight?, or U2's I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For.)

Eucharistic Prayer

(Greatly simplified. Only the actual words of consecration are mandatory, along with the new, required acclamation):

P: It really is good, guys!
FC: And gals!

Angus Dei

All: Lamb of God, who takes away unjust social structures, soak it to the rich.

Lamb of God, who takes away unjust social structures, soak it to the rich.

Lamb of God, who takes away unjust social structures, give dissenting Catholics tax-exempt status.


(All are welcome, and not only is Communion in the hand mandatory, it is greatly recommended-- in order to emphasize the priesthood of the laity-- that the Community remain seated and that the Eucharist be passed back hand-to-hand to the last row first, first row last.)

Concluding Rite

P: Be excellent to each other.
FC: Party on, Dude!

Well, it's a first draft, anyway. Things are moving quickly, and I gotta hustle.


Anonymous said...

Seems a bit sinful to mock the Mass.

Marc said...

I do think that you need to make sure that the 'faithful' will be instructed to respond loudly. A non-fond memory of my youth is our pastor repeated "The Lord be with you" a second time because the faithful did not respond loud enough.

thetimman said...

Hey Anonymous Commenter,

I think the reason of the post is to make that exact point-- criticizing the mocking of the Mass for the last 45 years.

And if you wish to comment further, leave a name, please.

Jane Chantal said...

Don't forget mandatory holding-hands-with-your-neighbor during the Our Father. Those finding themselves with an empty pew both in front and behind them will raise their hands over their heads, indicating holding-hands-with-God.

Elizabeth said...

How about making it mandatory that everyone shall give a big bear-hug and a friendly slap on the back to their immediate neighbors in the pews...for the Sign of Peace. And instead of wishing someone "the peace of Christ", let's make that more contemporary and relevant by perhaps saying "make it a great day!".

Confess Elsewhere said...

And this is precisely what you get when structure is not imposed. True story: A parish has a low-structured confession teaching...in fact nothing is taught. No "Bless me Father for I have sinned..." No structured priest greeting.

So, what does the priest do with such freedom? He greets the penitent with "What did you do now?" with sarcasm and derision and a sigh. Oh, that's good for kids, much less adults who may have weighty things to confess. What happened to the "nonjudgmentalism" of modern times?

Anonymous said...

Wow. This reminded me of why I stopped visiting this site a half year ago.
Setting up a straw-man scenario - and then belittling it.
Ripping into the way people pray.
Setting up an 'either/or' situation where your side is right, and the other wrong, yours is good, the other bad. How ... primitive, if not caveman-ish.

Am curious what happens inside your mind if/when you are at Eucharistic adoration. Do you pray this?: "God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector." Except you've exchanged the word "tax collector" with 'those that pray different than I do.'

Was hoping that I'd see some growth here, which would be evidenced by some of the following:
*An awareness that of the 1.2 billion Catholics on earth, there is a huge variance of the ways people seek to be aware of God's presence among us through song, ritual, silence, and thousands of cultural nuances. (Hint: 99% of that 1.2B don't know Latin. The majority doesn't have electricity either.)
*Instead of an "either/or" condemnation of how people pray, it'd be an awareness if not appreciation of "both/and."
*Yes, the way you celebrate the Eucharist is valid and holy and works - for you and others. Just as you don't like how others try to change your ways, why should they like the way you condemn theirs?
*In the end, salvation does not come from precise rubrics and laws. Jesus saved his harshest words for Pharisees and their lifeless religion that stressed this. (The same could be said at the other end of the spectrum - somewhere in the middle is the truth.)
*The need to continually slap your own back by gratuitously slamming others is ... at bare minimum, juvenile.
*Your writing reveals nothing about a personal relationship with our Heavenly Father, one that, like all relationships, is full of dialogue and struggles, joys and failings. Instead, you seem to preach a voodoo religion: by precise rituals you can control God's presence, and if you don't follow the formula to the letter of the law, God is absent. It's like a misstep in an incantation brings forth the wrong outcome, ala Harry Potter. Seems like huge control issues here - your actions control wether God magically appears or not, and the way you write, he only appears in your setting, not 'theirs.'

Please know that you will remain in my prayers, as I ask for yours, in our relationships with God. Our paths are different, but indeed we both are walking them as best we can. As the first commentator noted, it seems a grave matter to condemn the way others pray, and to condemn those who are praying that way as well.


Long-Skirts said...

(dogG spelled backwards)

In the name of the Dude
And of the Dogg
And the rizzle dizzle for shizzle bizzle.
(In the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit)

Fo shizzle
Welcome to my
(...the Table of the Lord)

Fo sheezy
No more on
Your neezy
(The people stand)

Hell to the nizzle.
(No hell)
You da bomb fo shizzle
You’ll find it all in you gangsta’s Mizzle.

Jehovah, he da man
All clap
Aka H.O.V.A. he rap
(Self explanatory)

So H to the O, V to the A
Wat up dude?
Dat’s all I got to say!
(Go…the Mass has ended)

X said...

When do we sing One Tin Soldier? Yeah, it happened.

Anonymous said...

Priceless!!! Holding my sides laughing.
Yes, a first draft, but with a little discernment and discussion, a new draft surely will surface.

Now ease on down the road, man, and get with the program.

Jane B.

LeDana said...

Couldn't stop laughing after reading this. But then I read the comments section, and it just got better.

Thank you, LongSkirts--made my week.

"Hell to the nizzle..."