12 November 2014

I'm Here to Help Mark Shea and Simcha Fisher

Once you get the hang of their shtick, these stories write themselves!

As a service to them, for which I expect only 1/3 of the fees from their gigs, here is a story I have pre-written for when Cardinal Pell gets sacked (We'll skip the whole, "Oh no, that could never happen" angle.  I understand you're paid to say these things. ;-)). 
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Self-Proclaimed "Greatest Catholics Ever" are Complaining Again about Great Pope Francis Doing Something Great by Appointing Cardinal Pell as Chaplain for Liberian Ebola Camps

by Mark and Simcha

Moldy old Radtrads who think they're so great are still complaining about our wonderful Pope.  I don't know if you have heard, but Cardinal Pell, who used to be burdened with the Church's financial reforms, has been blessed by the Bishop of Rome.  The Pope has sent Cardinal Pell, who has long been rumored to be a crypto-Lefebvrian (trust us-- and don't search our archives for all those articles we wrote like two years ago saying how great he was), to a very much sought after post as Chaplain for Liberian Ebola Camps. 

Of course, everyone who hates the Pope (we're looking at you, radtrads!) sees this as a demotion.  Ha!  They are to laugh.  This instead is a patented Francis two-fer.  Let us explain:

First of all, it is a great honor to administer pastoral care to the dying.  We have no hard facts, mind you, but we heard a rumor that Cardinal Pell was denied his usual penchant for dress-up by the Holy Father.  See, Cardinal Pell, who we know has a thing for the old Mass we aren't allowed (for now) to say was abolished, wanted to wear an ostentatious respirator mask to ward off the Ebola virus!  As if!  No, this does not comport with the Pope's program of really getting the smell of the sheep.  Besides, the CDC assures us that Ebola is not airborne anyway. 

Secondly, Cardinal Pell, despite the whinings of the real big traddy Catholics, had this coming anyway.  What the world-is-ending trad bloggers won't tell you is that Cardinal Pell is from AUSTRALIA-- A LAND ENTIRELY PEOPLED WITH CONVICTS.  This is the man they want holding the purse strings?!  Those trads would protest the reassignment of Judas Iscariot.

So, to sum up:  Nothing to see here.  Move along.  Buy our books.  Pope Francis is great.  Pell is likely a felon or something.  Trads are in schism and hate Jews.  We love Francis!  And Buy Our Books!

26 comments:

St. Corbinian's Bear said...

How do we know you're not Mark and Simcha?

thetimman said...

Actually, looking at the photo of Mark, I guess you can't.

I enjoyed your last post.

St. Corbinian's Bear said...

Thanks, I'm bouncing a new one off yours.

Aneas said...

This is completely hilarious and far, far too close to the real thing. Shea is either morbidly naive or the most stupid, unobservant person on the planet. For only this kind of person would be so utterly incapable of seeing the disaster of this pontificate. He only has one way to deal with the barrage of nonsense coming from the Vatican these days... ridicule anyone who points out the obvious problems this Pope is creating and the disturbing things he's been saying.

Anonymous said...

Simcha is posting this on her Facebook page, she is not amused, and Michelle Arnold thinks you are racist. Yes, really.

Anonymous said...

Simcha has posted this on her Facebook page. And Michell Arnold thinks you are racist. No, really.

Netmilsmom said...

The last paragraph is absolute ART!

thetimman said...

I'm not worried if Michelle Arnold thinks I'm racist. I'll assign that opinion the appropriate weight it deserves. It says more to me that that is her immediate reaction. She is working out her salvation with fear and trembling, too, no doubt.

There is a woman named Jennifer over in the combox who is very ably pointing out the ridiculousness of that assumption, and I thank her for it-- though, like my wife, she finds my attempts at humor lame. :-) I have wasted many an hour in the past hoping to have a 'breakthrough moment' with Patheos writers. I'm retired from that gig.

It is difficult for this type of conservative and comfortable Catholic to come to grips with the steadily growing sense that what you thought--to the point of smugness-- was so sure and solid, is actually unraveling. I know because I had to do it myself. Facing truth is hard, changing your whole perspective because of it is harder. Reader X could tell stories, no doubt, of the difficulties in getting me to even consider certain facts about the state of things.

And all of these processes are ongoing. We really do need grace to keep on the road. So, pray for me, for them, for all of us. Things are breaking up out there, as Bob says.

thetimman said...

I guess it rankles. Shea has condescended to blog about it. Fascinating guy.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'll pass on checking out his response. It's sad to think of actively avoiding a Catholic blogger but he's just too mean-spirited, too uncharitable, and too intellectually dishonest in his disagreements.

greenlight

Pete said...

Who is Michelle Arnold?

c matt said...

There was this guy, Joe D'Hippolito, that used to go hammer and tong with Mark Shea all over the blogs. I used to think Joe went over the top on things about Mark, and back then (about 5 years or so ago) he probably did from time to time. But now, it seems Mark has become the embodiment of that which Joe accused him. Sad.

cyrillist said...

Hey, it just occurred to me: Shouldn't the neo-caths be labeling us as "radtards" by now? What's the hold-up? I just googled "radtards catholic", and found only two uses of the expression (both on the Fish Eaters forum, of all places). Talk about missing a golden opportunity for providing us with yet more salutary and efficacious mortification of pride...

BlackCloud said...

Geez...all you need to do now is add in some potty-mouthed name-calling, a few more straw man arguments, and a statement about how those that disagree with you aren't really Catholic, and I would think that you plagiarized this straight from Mark Shea's facebook page. Then, if you really want to make this look authentic, add a bunch of uncharitable, vile comments below it from the REAL greatest Catholics of all time along with a few thoughtful, reasoned objections. Follow that up with comments from Mark doubling down on his ad-hominem attacks and straw man arguments along with a declaration of being a normal, lowly, humble Catholic while all dissenters are narcissistic egomaniacs. Do that and you have a genuine Mark Shea facebook post.

Chatsworth said...

As one of the thousands banned by Mark Shea for the heresy of disagreeing with him, I love this. You beautifully capture the snarky nastiness of Shea and Fisher, NCR's foremost advocates of Self-Righteous Slob Catholicism. Not surprised that such a self-aggrandizing narcissist as Shea would link to your site even for an article ridiculing him -- prudence is not his strong point. Assuming he even has a strong point. Thanks so much for taking on this internet bully Catholic poseur. And hey everybody, be sure to throw some of your hard-earned money into his shameless tin cup rattle so that his working-age kids can afford burritos and some day be as voluminous as dear old layabout dad.

Athelstane said...

There was this guy, Joe D'Hippolito, that used to go hammer and tong with Mark Shea all over the blogs.

I remember that. I generally took Shea's side, not least because while I didn't share the general interreligious enthusiasms for the virtues of Islam that have been percolating in the Church of late, I thought d'Hippolito's suggestions that Mecca and various other Muslim cities should be nuked was over the top.

But Joe did seem to have Mark's number, which, I'm afraid, has only multiplied in recent years - he's actually getting worse, and there are plenty of his old friends who think so. I think he ought to get back to apologetics books and talks, and lay off the blogging, unless it's to publish prayer intentions. It seems to bring out the worst in him.

Steve said...

My oh my how the people who frequent this blog used to LOVE the Vatican AND the pope! They were loyal to the Church, loyal to the Pope, dismissive of or downright angry at people who did not agree with the Pope.

And now something is different. Oh, I've got it. Benedict is no longer pope. You are happy, therefore, to argue that the Pope is a terrible Catholic, a bad leader, and a danger to the Church. You are, in other words, no longer the people who call all those other folks "Cafeteria Catholics." You are instead members of the Think We're More Catholic and Holy Than the Pope Club! Congrats, guys! Why not have funny t-shirts made for yourselves and come up with a cool handshake, too? (Never mind: Forgot that this is the crowd that does not like to shake hands with their fellow Christians at Mass.)

Athelstane said...

P.S. Why do you hate Africans and sick, poor people, Timman?

thetimman said...

Thanks for the kind words, Steve. If you will point out one Catholic teaching with which I disagree, I will let you call me a cafeteria Catholic without complaint.

While waiting for that, let me say that your understanding of the papacy, its nature and authority, and the person of the man who holds it, is fundamentally incorrect. I don't blame you, but if you had it right you wouldn't have any beef with my late writings on the same (prudential concerns aside, with which we could disagree).

I'll shake your hand if I see you-- right after Mass.

Athelstane said...

Hello Steve,

And now something is different. Oh, I've got it. Benedict is no longer pope.

Our loyalty is to Catholic Tradition, not to any man.

Yes, we as Catholics owe a filial loyalty to the See of Peter, but that see is the servant of Tradition, not its master.

And, frankly, we know enough Church history to know that some of those servants of Tradition were pretty awful servants.

Which may be why you misunderstand what Cafeteria Catholics are all about. It's not about a man. It's about the teachings. You either subscribe to them all, or you don't.

Johannes de Silentio said...

Shea and his comrades-in-denial were made to look quite silly by the fellow with the Thomas More picture. I wonder if they even realize it.

Anonymous said...

Shea has either alienated so many of his readers, or flat out banned others from posting that he is now surrounded by an echo chamber of looney lefties. Which should make him feel right at home there in Seattle. lol

Steve D.

Bsdouglass said...

Hah, this is what he was going on about with the RACIST! Charge. Funny. Then again, apparently calling him out about guns and Ferguson when he slandered cops and got creative about self defense laws got me called a Klansman by His Grace Mark Shea. No response from EWTN or CA on that one, even with proof of his vile attack.

Beefy Levinson said...

I laffed.

Anonymous said...

About time to bring this one back out, no? Pell is now under the microscope as you predicted.

Tancred said...

Pell's been effectively culled at this point, but he hasn't been sent to Africa yet.