11 July 2016

Survivor's Log

The proposition can be read here.

Ingredients: High-quality, but non-pretentious, craft bourbon and low-quality, and decidedly non-pretentious, Twinkie (post-bankruptcy vintage).

Process: Pour bourbon neat. Take Twinkie out of package. Take moment to question your life generally, and this decision specifically. Dip Twinkie into bourbon, and take photo thereof:

Remove Twinkie from bourbon.  Bite down, taste, assess.

Dear Readers, let me tell you when I first realized I had a problem. In the time it took to place the Twinkie into the bourbon and snap the above photo, approximately 2 liters of bourbon had been sucked up into that spongy goodness. Well, not 2 liters, but 2-much. I learned quickly in the nanosecond I bit down that the taste buds that normally receive the Twinkie signals aren't the same one that receive the bourbon signals. 

Worlds collided. I felt as though I had placed molten lava laced with ghost peppers into my mouth. Suddenly my jest that I could go blind didn't seem far-fetched. I saw stars, like Wile E. Coyote after the anvil drops on his head.

After regaining my bearings, I tried dipping the Twinkie more gently and quickly, to decrease the bourbon yield.  No medical crisis this time, but not that great. All those fried Twinkie with bourbon recipes I found online must bank heavily on the alcohol being cooked out. Whatever.

Scientific progress was the goal, though, and the goal was reached. Though the Twinkie was not improved by the bourbon, the opposite was not true. When, after consuming the Twinkie, I turned to drink the remaining bourbon, it was a revelation! 

Bourbon with Essence of Twinkie is a drink I could get behind, if, that is, I could ever go public with such a preposterous idea.


Fr. Andrew said...

This post, more than anything else on the internet, is what we needed today.

I am VERY happy to hear that only the Twinkie was harmed, not the Preciou...I mean...bourbon.

Question: can anyone REALLY be sure that these Twinkies are POST-bankruptcy? I thought Twinkies had such a great shelf life that they hadn't made new ones since 1990?

Any opinions on how a sweeter cordial would fair?

Delena said...

And who says homeschool science experiments aren't fun? Well done.

Innocent Smith said...

Fr. Andrew already said it. But may I add that this is one funny post. Indeed it was needed.

This event calls for quoting Dylan.

Now the rainman gave me two cures
Then he said, "Jump right in"
The one was Texas medicine
The other was just railroad gin
An' like a fool I mixed them
An' it strangled up my mind
An' now people just get uglier
An' I have no sense of time
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again